Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Teenage Mutant Ninja Boyfrind, or, Don't Date Him Girl, He's a Giant Reptile


Tell me straight, ladies. Which one of us wasn't carrying a torch for one of the ninja turtles when we were wee little proto-nerds? I mean, I think that one's pretty universal. I wasn't the only one with a massive crush on a giant adolescent reptile when I was little, right? Please tell me I wasn't the only one.

Well, I'm going to continue on as if you all said "Yes, Sunny, I too was sorta vaguely into bestiality as a child," because that is the option that makes me feel the least like a freak. Because if I am one, that means you all are too. But really, what's not for an 8 year old to love in a Ninja Turtle boyfriend? They're funny, they're brave, they're... green... and hairless... ok that might be a little weird, but go with me here. I'm attempting, in my own hamfisted way, to make a point.

And that point is that I think they'd all be kinda shitty boyfriends.

I know! It hurts me inside too. I mean, these guys are heroes, heroes are supposed to be killer with the ladies. But these are heroes made for little boys, meaning they're made to kick butt and eat pizza while spouting incredibly cheesy one liners*. Their demographic basically thinks fart humor is high comedy (Note: my boyfriend is in this demographic, and he's 26). And when that's the sort of person you want a character to appeal to, it doesn't make for a character with a lot of relationship potential.

Still, dating a ninja turtle would be pretty rad. I mean, they're ninjas, it can't really get much radder. So let's asses the pros and cons.

The Overprotective Boyfriend

Pros: Leo's got his share of fangirls, and I understand why. He's a good leader, he's smart, he's dedicated, he keeps his head in a crisis, and, in the movies and later cartoons at least, he's a bit of a Broody McBroodpants, which we all know is a guaranteed 8.7 on the "Awww!" scale. This guy is totally committed to keeping his family safe and making his Sensai proud, which seems like a good thing, right?

Cons: Leo seems strung out more or less all the time. Granted he's got good reason, what with his family and the city he lives in constantly being threatened by a walking slap chop and a wad of pink bubblegum, but can you really imagine him relaxing and enjoying himself on a date? He's gonna be scanning the crowds for Foot Ninjas no matter where you go. 

Oh, and god forbid you and your friends hit the clubs for a girls night out. Remember, this guy is used to hanging out with April, a chick so adept at getting kidnapped, stumbling head first into evil plots, and having her apartment trashed for no obvious reason that at this point I think it'd just be prudent to get her one of those Life Alert things.

All Spunky Reporters With No Common Sense Should Have Life Alert!

And she's the only human woman Leo has any real experience with, so he probably just assumes we're all really prone to getting abducted. So prepare to be tailed (possibly by a totally inconspicuous stocky dude in a trench coat and fedora), and the second something threatens you in even the slightest way, like the guy dancing next to you trying to get a little grabby, or some drunk girl spilling her drink on you, expect to have your night ruined, because now you have to explain to the cops why a green monster with swords decapitated everyone on the dance floor. And then vanished.

Alright, Turtles! My girlfriend went to the store half an hour ago and hasn't come back! Obviously she's been kidnapped! Roll out!

I mean, there is some appeal to having someone waiting in the shadows to defend your honor at every turn, but grabby dudes or no, katanas are not always the answer. Sorry, Leo.

The Angsty, Bad-Boy Boyfriend

 Pros: You wanna talk Broody McBroodpants, hoo boy this guy right here. Raph is King of the Angry Brood. He's also King of the Angry Rant, King of the Angry Pout, and King of Angrily Eating Breakfast. He's basically just the King of Angry.

See, I made him a crown.

But angry guys are kinda hot, right? I mean, as long as they're not they're not the sort that gets angry because you didn't put the ketchup back in the fridge right away, so they punch a hole through the door.What I'm talking about is the righteous anger Raph has, that comes from believing in something with conviction and fighting what feels like an impossible fight and getting frustrated when what you're doing doesn't seem to make a difference and you don't think the people around you are doing enough to help. That sort of anger comes from passion, and passion is one thing that Raph definitely has. He's passionate about kicking scumbag ass, which causes him to act rashly and rush into things without thinking. And that sort of passion can be very attractive. It's a pure, raw emotion, and it's a little dangerous. Who among us doesn't wish, at least a little bit, that we could inspire the kind of passion in someone that'll make them throw caution to the wind and jump headfirst into danger for us?

Plus he could take you on rides around New York at night on his motorcycle. HOT.

Ass, grass, or gas, nobody rides for free.

Cons: have you ever dated a broody guy with an anger problem? Yeah, it's not all motorcycle rides to makeout point and calming his inner fire with your sweet kisses (that got a little romance novel-ie, sorry). It's mostly arguments and a lot of yelling and ducking when he throws plates at the wall. Because all that pent up frustration has to go somewhere, and as we all know, every time Raph is in some way prevented from venting his spleen by beating up street thugs, he begins to lash out at those around him. In the cartoons and movies, it's his brothers, but if yo were dating him, it'd probably be you. 

And don't give me that "Raph loves me, he'd never do anything like that," line. Raph loves his brothers too, but that doesn't stop him from regularly trying to kick Leo's ass. I mean, look at the epic beatdown he delivers in 2007's TMNT:

... goddamn that's a cool battle. ANYWAY, I'm not saying that Raph is a bad guy. He always ends up feeling awful when his actions hurt his family in the cartoons and movies, and always makes amends, but the problem is that. It. Still. Keeps. Happening. Raph never really learns. He always ends up letting his anger get the better of him. 

The Cute, Stupid Boyfriend

Pros: Ok, full disclosure, I love Mikey. He was always the one I had eyes for. I wanted him to take me to the prom. Ok, that sounds a little weird, but whatever if he'd asked me I wouldn't have said no. And why not, he's the original party dude! He's funny, he's cute, he's laid back, and he seems like a lot of fun to hang out with. From taking you to a kung-fu movie and then out to get pizza, to teaching you tricks on his skateboard, to just hanging around the... sewer playing video games, he seems like the sort of guy who can pull off being your friend and your boyfriend.

Cons: Dude's not too bright. And obviously like, the biggest stoner. The BIGGEST. Mikey would forget your birthday, eat everything in your kitchen, somehow break your tv, leave crumbs all over your couch, smoke all your weed and then act like he's surprised when you get pissed at him. He's like your 15 year old brother and an entire frat house rolled into one.

Oh, shut up. It's only funny if you're high.

And the worst part is this; you can't stay mad at him. At least, I wouldn't be able to. He'd just give me those big puppy eyes and say something hilarious, and I'd suddenly forget why I cared so much about a silly old broken tv anyway. Infuriating! Though maybe if you're less of a easily distracted pushover than I am, Mikey could be downgraded from a maddening boyfriend to merely a mildly annoying one. Still not that great.

The Shy, Geeky Boyfriend

Pros: Donny, you might assume, would be right up my alley. A brilliant techno-geek who can build anything, no matter how ridiculous, he's well read, polite, a little shy, and a total sweetheart. A perfect match for any geeky chick! He can fix your computer! You can take him with you to conventions and everyone will think he's the best cos-player ever! He'll talk about books with you! He's so cute and shy and you can make him blush and eee!

Ahem. Moving on.

Cons: Like any techno-geek, Donny can get completely sucked into his projects. This is a pretty universal geek thing, I think. When a geek becomes very focused on the subject of their geekery, be it building a computer or making a costume or, hey, writing useless shit about why characters from an 80s cartoon would not be a good idea to date, they can neglect all else, be it eating, sleeping, bathing, or spending time with loved ones. They emerge from this state of hyper focus hours, days, or weeks later, bleary eyed, confused, and in need of a shower.

My boyfriend Nova once spent something like three weeks making a mod for Empire: Total War. For weeks all he talked about was cannons, projectile velocities, and line formations. He didn't like it when I made fun of the soldiers' hats (seriously though, SO many silly hats). By the time he finished, I was ready to strangle him if he ever said the word "musket" again. Ok, so imagine that, only Donny with one of his projects. My boyfriend was making a fairly simple video game mod, Donny builds freaking assault vehicles and jet-skis and fucking HELICOPTERS.

I mean, damn.

Can you imagine the epic state of hyperfocus he must be in, like, CONSTANTLY? He will NEVER shut up about helicopter parts, you know it. You'll introduce him to your parents and he'll bore them to tears by explaining this tricky wiring bit he finished the other night. You're trying to have a nice dinner out and he's musing about how hard it is to get plutonium when you live in the sewer. How long do you think you'd last before you wanted to stab him in the eye? The cartoons seem to back me up on this one, too. Can you remember a single time that Donny spoke in which he didn't spout off some sciencey mumbo-jumbo? Neither can I, that must mean it NEVER HAPPENED.

It's just this, over and over.

...ok, so I guess that's my first blog post. I hope you enjoyed my pointless dithering about a subject I'm pretty sure no one cares about but me, and counting how many times I start sentences with the word "and" (I have a problem). Didn't really think of a good way to end this... Hey, wanna have nightmares? Here's something I found when I, ill advisedly, typed "Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" into Google. Prepare for your childhood to hurt.


I warned ya! Sunny out.

*I'm talking, of course, about the Turtles as they appear in the 80's cartoon and pretty much every cartoon or movie onwards. I haven't read the original Mirage comics (I know, I know, sacrilege, I'll get right on it) but I know they're a lot less cheesy and more edgy. If this makes them better boyfriend or not, I don't know. Get back to me after I read them.

1 comment:

  1. I can rest easy now, knowing that I wasn't nearly as fucked up in my childhood as I'd previously imagined. I had huge a huge crush on Raphael...what can I say? I like the bad boys ;)