The Craziest Motherfucker I Ever Did Meet

This is exactly what I looked like. If I was three blond women.

I am going to tell you the saga of the most baffling person I've ever met in an online game. Which is a pretty impressive feat, let me tell you. I've run in PuGs with people who were obviously masturbating. I've been in online matches with 13 year-olds who did nothing but yell racial slurs, try to team-kill everyone, and leave. But this guy took the gold medal in the Oh My God What Is Wrong With You Olympics. Dealing with him was so surreal that I half expected Salvidor Dali to show up and knit me a fish hat.

Like this, but with more fish hats.

The game in which I met this most baffling of persons was Lord of the Rings Online which, strangely for a MMO, was not an online space in which I was used to meeting completely crazy assholes. I'd been playing on the same server for over two years at this point, leveling up my Hobbit Burglar and meeting lots of people, and most of them did not fit the "horny teenager on speed" stereotype of MMO players. They were generally polite and down to earth, if a bit obsessed with canon (which I can totally understand, Rune-keepers TOTALLY go against the lore, dude). Maybe the fan-base of Mr. Tolkien's works is just more mature in general than that which graces the servers of better known internet cesspools like WoW, I don't know. All I know is that I was completely unprepared for this dude's level of batshittery.

So like I said, I'd been playing LotRO for a while, and had just talked my best and oldest friend, a wonderful gal named Lesli, into playing with me. I've known Lesli since I was in 6th grade. We were in Girl Scouts together, she baked me brownies when I lost my virginity, we were each-others dates to the prom. She was off at college in a different city at the time, and it was a fun way for us to catch up while also kicking some Orc butt, which we were both fans of, because Orcs are notorious jerks.

Probably never calls his mom to say "I love you."

Lesli had been playing about a month at the time of this incident. This particular night, the two of us were in different locations, doing our own things, while cheerfully updating each other on our current irl lives (I just realized that translates to "in real life lives," which seems wrong, but I don't really care) over chat. Lesli was about level 25, and working on her first big group quest, a tricky little instance called the Great Barrows. I told her I could log on to one of my lower level alts to help her if she needed, but she assured me she'd found a group and was doing fine.

About half an hour later, she informed me that she was no longer doing fine. The group that had seemed so friendly and competent mere moments before was falling apart, mostly due to its idiot leader. He had apparently shown himself to be an incompetent control freak who was unable to effectively lead a group or even play his own class correctly, but was loathe to let anyone else take the lead. The group had wiped over and over, and several members were already making excuses to leave. What's worse, though, was what he was doing to Lesli.

Oh god where is his other hand...

 This fucker was skeeving all over her like... like the skeeviest thing you can imagine. He'd started out not-so-subtly trying to ascertain if she was single or not, then had moved on to asking her to be his cyber-girlfriend, then simply asking her to have cyber-sex with him, and then to that old standby of creepy dudes on the internet, describing in disgusting detail all the depraved and unwanted things he'd do to her body given half the chance. If this guy had had the ability to grope over the internet, I have no doubt he would have done it. He was a full gross of gross (see what I did there?) and Lesli, poor innocent online virgin that she was (har-de-har-har) didn't know how to deal with it. She'd only been playing a short while, she didn't know the etiquette in these situations, so she told me the dudes name and asked me to step in.

So what follows is bits of the chat-log between myself and the creeper that had been sexually harassing my best friend. I am posting his responses verbatim, without correcting his awful spelling or confusing grammar. There are a few things you need to know in order to understand this:

1. I'm a chick. Not a dude.
2. Lesli asked me to step in.
3.This dude had been talking to Lesli for all of 30 minuets, during which time she had not responded favorably to his creepy attentions in any way.
4. He is crazy go nuts.


[02:30] Sunny: What's this I hear about you trying to get my girl Les to cyber with you?
[02:30] Crazy: yah shes ok...does it work for u?

So basically this guy was asking me if I had ever been able to talk Lesli into cyber-sex. Fucking. Classy.

[02:31] Sunny: Cybering is for people who can't get sex in real life. It's pathetic and sad and if you keep harassing my friends I'll report you.
[02:32] Crazy: or fo ppl who cant controll their ppl, trie and Ill bury u deep!
[02:33] Sunny: Ooh, threatening people on the internet, I'm so scared.
[02:33] Crazy: u ever talk to me or my les and I will
[02:34] Crazy: report u
[02:34] Crazy: u dont believe me, try me. Ill have u basmmed so fast!

Needless to say, I was now becoming a little confused.

[02:35] Sunny: Why would they ban me when you're the one harassing people for cyber sex?
[02:36] Crazy: im protecteing her from ur cyber bubshit
[02:36] Sunny: Dude, she's my best friend. I've known her in real life since we were 12.
[02:36] Crazy: well ur a little late in that
[02:37] Sunny: I have no idea what you're talking about.
[02:37] Crazy: lemme make it clear, u talk to her Nd I will turn u in, are we clear?
[02:38] Sunny: We're in the same guild, genius. She is my friend. I talk to her all the time. I'm talking to her right now.
[02:38] Crazy: well suggest u dont while she recovers from ur stupidity
[02:39] Sunny: Uh... she told me you were harassing her. She put you on ignore, by the way. We're laughing about it in guild chat right now.
[02:39] Crazy: Iff I hear otherwise its 911...know what I mean?
[02:39] Sunny: You were harassing her.
[02:40] Crazy: ARE WE CLEAR?
[02:40] Crazy: u bastard
[02:40] Sunny: No, we're not, because she's my friend and you're some dude who thinks he has some sort of clame over her when you don't.

By now, a few things were becoming apparent. This guy thought he was protecting Lesli from... something. I guess me? I also started to get the feeling that he thought I was male. I'm not sure why I felt the need to correct him, but I did.

[02:40] Sunny: I'm a chick, btw. :p
[02:41] Crazy: then u should appreciate what im doing

OH. OK. THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE


[02:41] Sunny: What? Harassing my friend?
[02:42] Crazy: yur really lame
[02:43] Sunny: Good comeback. I'm really hurt.
[02:43] Crazy: yah, u so much as talk to her and ur on report
[02:44] Sunny: I'm talking to her right now. What part of "She's my friend that I've known for years and we're in the same guild and she told me she didn't like you harassing her" do you not understand?
[02:45] Crazy: ok, your choice idiiot
[02:47] Crazy: I dont think ur icracys will save u pervert
[02:47] Sunny: Why the hell am I the pervert? You're the one who wanted to cyber. I'm just telling you to cut it out.
[02:47] Crazy: they are lookiing up ur criminal record now
[02:48] Sunny: Right. What are you, 15?
[02:48] Crazy: ur the only one acting 12 sice we started
[02:49] Crazy: but the will tell when reposrt comes back on u
[02:49] Crazy: dewd , u blatant lies wont save u
[02:50] Sunny: From what? Nerd wrath?
[02:50] Crazy: from truth, something ur unfamilliar with
[02:51] Crazy: let me accuant u

Exhibit A: Nerd Wrath

I began to become incredulous. This was just too fucking silly.This ridiculous internet warrior for "truth" actually thought that I would believe he'd called the cops on me and had them look up my criminal record, all without my real name or any idea of where I lived.

[02:51] Sunny: You cannot be serious.
[02:51] Sunny: You're some sort of troll, right?
[02:51] Crazy: u are the sorriest sort if sorry Ive ev3er met
[02:52] Sunny: Please, tell me why. This is getting more and more hilarious.
[02:52] Crazy: y ever talk to her again and I WILL have ur head
[02:52] Sunny: I told you, I'm talking to her right now.
[02:52] Sunny: I'm telling her everything you say.
[02:53] Crazy: ok lemme pursue that then if ur that stupid
[02:55] Sunny: Are you done now?
[02:55] Crazy: yah she also told me ho u abused her,,, u want that to come out in court bastard?/r
[02:56] Sunny: lol forever.
[02:56] Sunny: You're really freaking clueless.
[02:57] Crazy: /r if caring id cluless I wouldnt wanna be u !
[02:58] Crazy: did u hear somthing at the door?

At this point in time it had become apparent to me that this guy was nuttier than squirrel poop. Despite my correction, that he had acknowledged, he was back to thinking that I was Lesli's abusive boyfriend. I guess he just really, really wanted to White Knight for her, so he just made up an antagonist in his head. What's more, he was seriously trying to get me to fear him. I think that's the most hilarious part of this. He actually thought he could bullshit me into thinking I heard something at the door. I think this is the point at which I called Lesli and just began reading his responses to her out loud because keeping her updated in chat was becoming too much of a hassle. Everything he said was gold.

[02:58] Sunny: Well thank you for providing both of us with an extremely amusing evening. These chat logs are going to make us laugh for years to come.
[03:01] Crazy: u do anything to hurt her in th least and Ill personally fly down there and tear ur gonads out of ur corpse
[03:01] Crazy: are we clear????
[03:01] Sunny: Sure thing sweet cheeks. Now, can you tell me where we live?
[03:01] Sunny: Oh, and I also do not have gonads because I am FEMALE.
[03:01] Crazy: ya wasilla AK, U?

And then he told me where he lives.

[03:02] Sunny: No, me, stupid. How can you fly down here if you don't know where here is?
[03:02] Crazy: u cowardly freak
[03:03] Crazy: u heard me, and if u dont believe me, I will make it way to real in ur death
[03:03] Sunny: You go right on ahead, hun.
[03:03] Crazy: u get off her now!
[03:03] Sunny: lol forever.
[03:04] Sunny: You have some pretty hilarious delusions, kid.
[03:04] Crazy: cya soon!
[03:05] Sunny: You seriously think I'm some sort of abusive boyfriend?
[03:05] Crazy: but u dont eant me to record u crimes
[03:05] Sunny: Crimes. lollol
[03:05] Crazy: well thats what ur facing hun
[03:06] Sunny: Ok, number one. I'm a girl. Get that? I have boobs and a vagina.
[03:06] Crazy: piss me off again
[03:06] Crazy: hun wasnt clear enuf for u criminal?
[03:06] Sunny: Number two, I am not in a relationship with Les. She is my very good friend. We were in girl scouts together.
[03:07] Sunny: Number three, she told me she was annoyed with you harassing her, so I said I'd tell you to stop.
[03:07] Crazy: ur bout the worst most abusive frind sh3e could ever hope ffor SHAME ON U
[03:07] Sunny: That is all. You are some weirdo freak who did some sort of quest with her and now you think you're her white knight or something.
[03:08] Sunny: How is telling you to stop annoying her abusive?
[03:08] Crazy: nope just a descent human being
[03:08] Sunny: Who tried to get her to cyber with you.
[03:09] Crazy: U wouldnt understand
[03:09] Sunny: HA.

Well, you're right about one thing, Crazy Dude. I sure do not understand how sexually harrassing a woman, pressuring her for cyber-sex, and then freaking out on her friend and assuming she's actually that woman's abusive boyfriend that you are somehow both going to sic the cops on and murder makes you a decent human being.

Oh wait, he said descent human being. That's something completely different.

[03:11] Crazy: let me make this more than clear to ur small mind If I EVER see u on this server again< I will tell all how u tried to abuse a woman
[03:12] Sunny: ......right, you go on ahead.
[03:12] Sunny: I've been playing on this server for almost two years. I AM a woman. No one will believe you.
[03:12] Crazy: u get out now or I will make it my task to ruin u u perfert
[03:12] Sunny: Have fun with that.
[03:12] Crazy: uve been warnefd
[03:13] Sunny: I sure have been warnefd, whatever that means.
[03:13] Sunny: And I am just quaking in my boots I tell you what.
[03:14] Crazy: ya guess time will tell what pull I have, but nionetheless u are an absolute idiot
[03:14] Crazy: never met someone lamer than u
[03:22] Sunny: Well anyway I'm going to bed. Have fun in your little fantasy world.

I did end up seeing how much "pull" this guy had. The answer is "none," because when we showed the chat logs to the GMs, they kicked him from the game for a week. We also showed the logs to the leader of this guy's guild and circulated them around the server. When he came back a week later, he found he'd been booted from his guild. with a reputation that left all the other guilds unwilling to take him. I don't know if he got kicked off for good or if he just left, but not long after that he vanished, never to be seen again. And funny, I still haven't been arrested for abusing my girlfriend yet. Hmm.

So, in conclusion:

Don't hit on women you meet in video games, dudes. Just... just don't. Believe me, they don't want you to.

Sunny out.

P.S. I noticed I have two followers! Hiii two followers! I declare you two the most awesome people on the internet! So sayeth I!

P.P.S. Yes, I know I said I was gonna write about Halo. Then I remembered that Red vs. Blue already covered everything that is funny about Halo. QQ. Maybe someday.